9.00am Carols from Michaelamas to Christmas
Enjoy the best traditional festive hymns and carols sung by the best school choir from the best school. Note how the children have learnt these best carols by heart from the best knowledge organisers rather than having scrappy hymn sheets to sing from, like those other schools do. They will be smiling too, but someone will probably be making them do that, I’m sure. Other schools have choirs and sing carols but these are the best carols and this is the best school choir.
10.00am Homes Under the Hamer Christmas Special
Martin Roberts and Lucy Alexander present this Christmas special in which several old schools of teacher training thought are auctioned off to Marie, from London, who wishes to refurbish them into swanky new models to be used in some kind of institute which probably makes teachers in test tubes or something.
10.30am MOVIE Monsters’ INC 3 – School of Tough Love
Mike and Sully help their new pal, Barry, set up a school of monstering. At first, Barry seems quite frightening with his seemingly super strict rules and routines, but everyone comes to realise he’s just a big, fuzzy-wuzzy, fluffy, softy, cuddle-monster really.
12.00pm Top Of The Pops
Festive special, featuring the latest tracks from bands you can pretend you’ve heard of, including: Nick Gibb and The Traditionals, Permanent Exclusion and indie favourites, Cold Call (feat SLANT).
1.00pm BBC News
Probably includes reports on some educational guidance the government have released over the festive period.
1.30pm Pointless Edu-Celebrities Special
Rounds include naming a pointless disagreement on edu-Twitter from 2017.
2.00pm DIY SOS Christmas Special
Nick Knowles and the team issue a call to arms to help Kelly, a teacher from Hemel Hempstead. At 36, Kelly is struggling to cope with the tragic discovery, in the run up to Christmas, that there has been some damage to her wall displays. Thankfully, the team step in with some heavy duty wall staplers and a new border from the teacher in the next classroom along – one of those corrugated ones.
3.00pm The Queen’s Christmas Broadcast
This year, the Queen is expected to focus on one of the great tragedies of modern Britain – the plight of deprived children not even allowed to look out of windows during their lessons in British schools. Tragic.
3.30pm Charlie Cook’s Favourite Text Book
This year’s Julia Donaldson adaptation features a small boy disappearing deeper and deeper into the depths of a range of substandard text books before emerging triumphant with copies of un-graffitied Tricolore and Deutsch Heute.
5.30pm Doctor Who – An Earthly Child
In his final outing as the Doctor, Peter Capaldi finds himself on a festive, dystopian trip to a planet inhabited by fictional teachers from film or television having a perpetual debate about progressive and traditional educational philosophies. Capaldi’s Doctor is finally able to bring peace through promulgating a shared understanding that Mr Miyagi should not be allowed to voice his extreme opinions as he is merely a personal tutor rather than a teacher. Co-stars Egg from This Life as himself rather than that character he played in Teachers.
6.30pm Great British Bake Off – Christmas Special
Mary Berry returns to judge the this special in which previous runner up, Stuart, returns to cook up a Christmas treat to look like Noel Fielding’s the moon in The Mighty Boosh.
7.30pm Strictly Come Dancing Teachers’ Christmas Special
Latest professional dancer, David, and his partner, 2016 X-Factor contestant, Honey-G, are up against Oti Mabuse and her partner Tom, who will be dancing a jive to Saturday Night Fever.
8.30pm Call The Midwife Christmas Special
The midwives are concerned that their work will be undermined by a new, not-for-profit organisation being set up by some ex-Teach First types in an attempt to get more first class university leavers into midwifery in areas of deprivation – Gradu-Tots.
9.30pm Christmas Dinner Line of Duty Christmas Special
Tensions rise in this tense thriller as two tense teenagers push in to the school dinner queue for Christmas dinner just as a tense Mr Jenkins begins his lunch duty.
10.15pm Top 100 Lessons to Teach Of All Time
C-List celebrities, assorted reality television stars and Ken Robinson offer their thoughts on the top 100 creative activities they have no personal experience of, so that you can use in your classrooms next year to liven things up. Someone called Lauren Goodger suggests using wacky shaped post-it notes, whilst the cast of Geordie Shore make the educational case for the use of mobile devices.